To the Moon

I was finally going to pay off my loans—car, student, even money my parents had lent me. The Elon’s Cock (ECOCK) rocket, en route to Mars, was going to the moon. The coin’s official Telegram group chat was berserk with grassroots camaraderie, the pseudonymous moderators and dev team congratulating new holders and encouraging all to storm Twitter and shill. We had great tokenomics, a devastating community roadmap. Word of this lifesaving opportunity was destined to reach the ends of the earth.

Alex Nunez

If this moons I will suck Elon under the table at his board meeting. My life is in this man’s hands

14:32

Elon’s Musk

🙌 💎 🙌 ONLY DIAMOND HANDS TOUCH THIS DIAMOND COCK! 💎 🍆 💎 COPY & PASTE IF YOUR NOT A PAPER HANDED BITCH 🙌 💎 🙌

14:32

ThatCryptoMessiah *DM for shill*

WGMI guys! HODL! Btw I’m holding a giveaway for $500 in ETH right now, ends in 24 hours, click the link in my bio, like the pinned Tweet and tag 3 frens! To the moon 🚀 🚀 🔥

14:32

There were ceaseless GIFs of Elon dancing and walking dogs, Robert Downey Jr. heralding a blast wave with open arms, Doge hurtling through space in a rocket built for one. The hype was real. Many faceless individuals had it on good authority that Elon’s Cock was this hard, was always straight up, and thus the chart would go straight up too.

I looked away from my phone, refreshed the price chart I had open on my laptop, and felt my soul again momentarily depart. I kept clicking refresh. Of the climbing number of holders—currently two thousand strong—I was one of the first fifty. ECOCK was up nearly 1200% since the liquidity pool opened to trading two hours ago, and I had been around for the entire ride. I’d discovered the coin using a listings bot, saw the pool’s initial liquidity was sky-high (allowing for entries and exits with minimally punitive slippage) and jumped right in. I anted a cool $750, playing it safe by not betting a grand but not being a pussy with only $500. Though you had to be comfortable with losing everything, you had to take risks if you wanted to win big.

I continued refreshing the price chart, and the green line continued to rise. Some people were selling, for .3 ETH, .5, 1.1, 1.8… Okay, why did someone sell for 4.3 ETH? That was almost sixteen grand. In thirty minutes or so he probably could have sold for twice, three times that. Why sell? Hodl! We were going to the moon!

The group chat began calling out these paper-handed bitches, yet another large sell on my screen lit up in red. And another. 5.2 ETH, then 7.8, the latter just shy of twenty-eight large. I switched to my trading tab and gulped. I was now holding five figures, ECOCK was so massive—I could practically heft it in my hands. Slippage would deduct a few hundred from my profit this high up, as would gas fees, but I could still walk away with enough to fully finance my car. But then I had rent to worry about, as well as Freddie Mac… The trading tab refreshed in real time and showed my bag had grown another grand. Fuck it. I was going to hodl a little longer, get some of that sweet rent money and cash out.

The minutes ticked by, and the group chat’s hype train chugged along. A 6.4 ETH sell popped up and made the masses cry treason.

Ken B

Who sell?

15:18

Depressed Wojak

Please don’t sell guys, my wife and kids need this 😭

15:19

Elon’s Musk

SELL AND GO TO HELL PAPER HANDED BITCHES! ONLY DIAMOND HANDS ARE WELCOME IN HEAVEN 🙌 💎 🙌

15:19

The ECOCK chart looked fine overall. Steady buys came in and the holders grew, perhaps windfall from a paid influencer. Then a 15.2 ETH sell dropped the price by twenty percent. My heart stalled, though the dip was quickly eaten up. I clicked away from the trading tab once again and sighed. Come on, guys. Just a little more.

After another five minutes I’d had enough and decided it was time to sell. I was sweating buckets watching the bulls fight the bears, which at this price point was like watching ants stave off an anteater. Green candles stairstepping little by little, then a single red nosedive, back and forth. I switched to my trading tab one last time and found I had sixteen grand. Seventeen grand. Sixteen. Jesus Christ, fuck—I raced to set the slippage tolerance high enough for the trade to go through, clicked swap, and approved the transaction. Seconds passed in suspended animation. Time itself ceased to exist. Finally a notification popped up, and I felt myself clench.

Transaction failed.

Okay. I must have set the slippage tolerance too low. No worries. I adjusted it accordingly and clicked swap.

Nothing happened.

I clicked again. Still nothing. I noticed the button was gray.

I leapt back to the price chart and refreshed the page. The ECOCK graph was green and unmoving, just as it had been, but something was off. While it hadn’t been moving up or down much at all the last thirty minutes, now it wasn’t moving to the right either. The chart’s expression of time elapsed had ground to a halt. I looked at the number of holders—still pretty high. Then I looked at the total liquidity, how much money was currently in the pool.

Zero.

My soul having truly shuffled off this mortal coil, I glanced at the Telegram chat.

Ape McWagecuck

WTF I can’t sell

15:52

Alex Nunez

Is this a rug?

15:52

Elon’s Musk

FUCK YOU FAGGOT SCAMMERS I HOPE THE WORMS EAT YOUR FAMILIES ALIVE

15:52

Within seconds the chat itself was locked. Everyone stopped typing at once. No more expressions of outrage graced ECOCK’s hallowed log.

I left the group after a few minutes of scrolling through the messages in single-minded pursuit of pain, trying to find when chat members first realized something was off so I could calculate how much money I would have made if only I had sold when I still could. I found the exact moment and ran the numbers—oh well. There went over half my rent, paid to get slapped by Elon’s Cock.

Finally, I returned to the listings bot and combed through the latest entries. Most were low in liquidity, bereft of social media, pieces of shit with ridiculous names.

Ah. Chili’s Inu (CHINU). Eight minutes young with an initial liquidity of $158,902. I clicked open its price chart, liked what I saw, then bought a bag and joined the club. $1000 this time.

Ahmed K

Is this a good buy?

16:06

Financial Freedom Inu

CHILI’S INU IS SPICY HOT! 🌶️ 🌶️ 🌶️ WE’RE RICH BOYS REALITY JUST HASN’T CAUGHT UP YET 🔥 🔥 🔥

16:06

Babe Ruth

Trust me, boss. I call em like I see em, and this one is definitely a home run

16:06

NewKidOnTheBlockchain

Absolutely, CHINU to the moon 🚀

16:07

A heartfelt thanks to kind ser Ivan for his feedback on initial drafts.